I’ve been M.I.A. for a little while now, lots of that has to do with going away to uni, then going on holidays and to the GC for my boyfriend to record his debut single (proud girlfriend/brag moment, sorry not sorry) THEN I ended up with pneumonia and sinusitis which I am only just getting over, all whilst studying for a crap-tonne of final exams coming up in October, so yeah, it’s been real! But another reason for my absence from the modelling and blogging world is due to personal growth. When I’m not 100% in my groove and my creativity isn’t at it’s peak I feel overwhelmed and I think I can’t give my best work and I go on hiatus.
I’m not going to glamorise either – long story short, I’ve felt like shit. For some reason (or collection of reasons) unbeknownst to me I’m feeling pretty down on myself about my appearance. Body image mainly. It’s frustrating for me because I KNOW what I look like and I am usually overly comfortable with that fact, I generally think “damn girl, you a snack!” when I look in the mirror, lately – not so much. We all struggle with our image sometimes and I’m not going to shy away from that fact, I’ll serve you up a piping hot plate of realness here and tell you no matter how “perfect” people say you look, no matter how many times you’ve posed naked, been in magazines, on TV, worked in jobs based solely on physical appearance… there is going to be periods of time where you don’t feel like Beyonce’. And you know what, I’m coming to the realisation that that’s okay!
I’ve put together this blog now that I can feel my creativity gradually re-emerging, it’s pretty much a collection of thoughts and lessons I’ve learnt and realised during periods of self-reflection and evolution over the past few weeks that I felt compelled to share, I hope you can all gain something from it or find something that resonates with you.
People that know me well will know that patience is most certainly not a virtue I possess. I am a fiery, opinionated young woman, and I quite often "put my foot in it" when trying to get a point across. I'm not quite sure why so much of what I try to say is perceived so differently from my intention but I've noticed it happens quite a lot. I'm left constantly trying to explain myself or apologise whilst being met with abuse and negativity time and time again.
I realise I have some conflicts of interest with most people – I nude model, I’ve converted to veganism, I identify as a feminist, I am extremely open about my mental health and encourage others to do the same. I’m a bit of a witchy-hippie, I believe there’s more than two genders and that Australia has boundless plains to share. I think 9/11 was an inside job and that to avoid the eternal damnation we are currently living we should switch from the slavery of traditional currency and embrace a resource based economy. I am intrigued by metaphysics, I believe all living beings have a “soul” of some description (but I’m undecided on the 21 grams theory). I get it, my opinions and some of the values I hold dear are not going to sit right with most societal norms. Some people are going to hate me from the get-go simply because of my views and how I choose to identify in this world.
Recently I've been letting some occurrences and individuals get me down which has snowballed and impeded on many areas of my life and I am pretty confident no one even noticed.
You see, one of my biggest flaws comes simultaneously with being one of my biggest strengths - being an empath.
Feeling everything so deeply can be a useful tool to develop and maintain meaningful and trusting relationships.
However, it can also take you down the road of self sabotage. The scariest thing about this for me is that it presents itself in disguise. Usually at times when I appear to have "my shit together" the most, these are the times when that couldn't be further from reality.
Then it hit me - why am I wasting my energy with these people who so clearly do not want to engage in intelligent conversation with me and only want to upset, antagonise and criticise me?
It is so much easier said than done and there have been times where I have had to put my phone in another room or delete social apps for a period of time to stop me wasting needless energy on trolls.
A big recent realisation of mine is that you constantly have to give yourself kicks up the arse when you start reverting back to your old shitty ways.
Wait? Weren't you just saying people are shit to you?
Yeah, yeah I was. BUT, you see a little thing I've come to realise (amongst my many realisations) is that you literally have NO control over other people's actions and choices! None! I know, incredible isn't it? But people actually have individual states of consciousness and independent thought patterns - although in this world it can seem quite the contrary! (Cue, "I won't get political"). So anyway, as shitty as other people can be - you can't control them... I can sense the anxiety and impending doom already... but it's not all bad news. You CAN control the way YOU think, feel and react. I'm going to just go out there and say it though - that shit is HARD. Remaining silent when being ridiculed and put down about something you believe in, being bullied and made fun of over something you're passionate about, or being criticised over something as meaningless as the appearance of the flesh prisons we are forced to inhabit whilst completing our stint on this earth… Not retaliating is SO. DAMN. HARD. But the more I grow and evolve in to the woman I am meant to be – the more tolerant I become of other people who are just trying to work out their particular stage of being human.
“The first step of change is to become aware of your own bullshit.”
Another really useful lesson I have learned is that people only respond from their level of perception, and in their mind, they are doing what is right. No matter how clearly wrong that may seem to you and your perception of the exact same thing. It isn't in our nature to gravitate to our perception of "wrong", and our perception of "wrong" is almost always pre-conditioned, learned behaviours, passed down from family, guardians and role models. It is ingrained within our psychology to project our feelings onto others, this was a useful skill in simpler times when we didn't have languages to communicate and our only needs were food, shelter and the survival of our species. In today's more socially evolved society it can be frustrating when you are met with nastiness and argumentation projected from others stemming from their personal beliefs and experiences or perceptions, especially when you truly believe you are advocating for what's right. I know so many wonderful people from my generation who want reform and revolution, they challenge social norms and speak up for what they believe is right. They give me hope and faith in the future to come, but activism can get exhausting! We are constantly trying to "be this" and "be that" that we forget to just BE! We are so concerned with people's perceptions of US that we forget that is just their perception, that doesn't define us.
I’ve come to the harsh realisation that you can’t save everyone. Some people you are trying with best intentions to help may not even see an error in their ways, so as hard as it can be to do so – sometimes you just need to step back. You can’t re-fuel from an empty tank and unfortunately there is a limit to how much one person can give of themselves to others. It can be difficult to establish that giving and receiving balance.
Each day I am realising this journey of personal growth and self acceptance is NEVER going to have a final destination. It is a constant, ever-changing process, which you can choose to partake in or you can choose to settle in conformity and comfortability whilst remaining emotionally exhausted and spiritually malnourished.
It's so easy to lose motivation, but more commonly in my case, I become overwhelmed. So incredibly overwhelmed that I diminish my achievements and focus on the mountain in front of me, with no acknowledgement of how far I've come.
It is so hard to let go of societal pressures and expectations and I for one really struggle with this, regardless of putting on an "I don't care what you think" facade. I hope one day to be free of the constraints of negative human interaction and judgement and live without that stress. But for now I'm doing the best I can to understand the "why" and approach every situation with gratitude, which is very testing for someone like myself, who is usually so short-fused and outspoken.
We live in such a fast paced "I want it, and I want it now" world that we neglect gratuity.
Be grateful for your job.
Be grateful for your right to an education.
Be grateful for your right to healthcare.
Be grateful for a full belly.
Be grateful for your warm bed.
Be grateful for family.
Be grateful for true friends.
Be grateful for a loving partner.
Be grateful for dogs!
Even if you can just find one thing to be grateful for in that moment, show gratitude, especially during times where you are least likely to want to.
And with that said, I’ll leave you with a quote that has really stuck with me…
“Interrupt anxiety with gratitude.”
Love and Light,